I've Decided that I had enough to drink tonight, but then again should I really be making decisions when I'm drunk?
My girlfriend is like my iPad,.........................
How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that"?
"Quit being such a pussy and take it like a champ." Me talking to my liver.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."
"Who is that? Don't go in there. What just happened!" .............. Shut the fuck up and watch the Movie.
If you think childbirth is the most painful thing ever, then you've obviously never been kicked in the nuts.
myself. Sometimes I get ahead of
I live by one Golden Rule:......Whoever has the Gold, Makes the rules.
"Why waste money on Plants you can't smoke?" That's what guys are thinking when you tell them to buy you roses.
So....my daughter just spoke her first words to me: "Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!"....It was so cute....
Men who shave their Legs, should just continue and shave their vaginas as well.
I just got Another "A" in my English class. I seem to be getting gooder at it.
Why do people get surprised when someone gets killed by a shark. That's where they live. I'm sure if a shark walked into your house, you would kill it too.
If you want to find a needle in a haystack, .......Burn the haystack. Problem Solved.
I only drink on Birthdays. It's not my fault that it's someones birthday everyday.
How ironic would it be if Amy Winehouse actually died in a Wine House?
How can you tell if a person was killed by a Ninja? ..............................
WARNING: Objects in profile pics may not be as pretty as they appear.
Political debates are great if you wanna watch idiots talk to us like idiots, to convince us that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Two kids are dressed as Bin Laden and Gadaffi at a school Halloween Party, and the teacher asks, "Why are you dressed as Terrorists?" and the kids reply,"We are not dressed as Terrorists, we're dressed as Ghosts."
Turns out, "Definitely not still working here!" is not a great answer to: "Where do you see yourself in 10 years
Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!
STOP NOT GETTING MY JOKES!
DUDE CHILL, it's the gym, not the olympics.
That awkward moment when you lie about your Hobby during a first date and she catches you in a Lie.
Girl: "So, what's you Hobby?"
Guy: "I like to sky dive"
Girl: "OMG me too. What's your break off point altitude during a canopy? And do you do a complete 180 degrees from the center of the formation and track in order to have enough airspace before CRW?"
Guy: "Uhm, ........ Well you see... the thing is I'm still new to skydiving and I'm Uhm..., So HOW ABOUT THAT GAME LAST NIGHT?
If $0.25 cents a day can feed a kid in Africa, then this homeless guy better make this $1.00 I just gave him last until Saturday.
Even Vin diesel will scream like a little girl if his face runs into a spider web in the dark.
If you're one of those people who annoyingly types really loud on the keyboard by punching down the buttons real hard, I hate you.
I think if you change your Relationship status more than 3 times, Facebook should automatically set it as UNSTABLE.
It's weird, If a woman sleeps with a bunch of dudes, she's a slut, but if a guy goes out and does the same thing, all of a sudden he's 'gay'.
Wife: "Honey, you watch a lot of porn, but how come you're still not good in bed?"
Husband: "You watch a lot of Cooking Shows on the Food network, but you don't hear me complaining about your shitty cooking."
Apparently if you drink 2 of those "5 hour Energy" drinks at once, they don't last for 10 Hours, but the diarrhea does.
Ahh, Facebook For Mobile...or as i like to call it, "WALK 'N STALK."
I think it's time for you to wash the dishes when you start eating Salad from your coffee cup.
Why do porn sites have a facebook share icon on the video? I mean,.. I heard they do. I wouldn't know.
When I was younger, my mom would give me $2 to go to the grocery store and I would bring home a dozen eggs, a bag of candy, a gallon of milk, a box of tea, and potato chips. I can't do that anymore though, they have surveillance cameras now.
